Every night, Harry goes
out drinking. And
every night, his wife,
Louise, yells at him. One
day, one of Louise’s
friends suggests that she
try a different tack.
“Welcome him home with
a kiss and some loving
words,” she says. “He
might change his ways.”
That night, Harry
stumbles back home,
drunk as usual. But
instead of berating him,
Louise helps him into an
easy chair, puts his feet up
on the footstool, removes
his shoes, and gently
massages his neck.
“It’s late,” she whispers. “I think
we should go upstairs to bed now,
don’t you?”
“Might as well,” says Harry. “I’ll
get in trouble if I go home.”
“Uh-oh, here we go—another dogfight.”
My house is haunted by a ghostwriter. Last night, I came home and my autobiography had been written.
- Craig Sharf
I enrolled in an online school to become a private investigator. I gave them my money, but I never heard back from them. I thought, Either I just got ripped off, or this is my first case.
- Mike Vecchione
My mom wants me to name my kids after people in our family. So I’m naming my firstborn Uncle Karl.
- Nick Vatterott
I’ve always been a disappointment. When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was colouring with and sighed—when I was two, this is not what I saw myself doing at five.
- Eric Lyden
Overheard—Two billionaires in
conversation:
Warren: Remember when we were poor.
Bill: No.
Warren: Me neither.
Bill: You bet!
Warren: Sure, let’s flip a coin.
Bill: Flip what?
Warren: Oh, never mind. I went to the bank yesterday to talk about a loan.
Bill: What do you need a loan for?
Warren: I don’t, the bank does.
- From the internet
A man is madly in love with a
princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year. So he waits 14 agonizing years—accumulating all his
words—before approaching his
beloved.
Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat. He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, “My darling, I have waited many years to say this: Will you marry me?”
The princess turns around, smiles, and says, “Pardon?”
- Wesley Joubert
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
- Peter Kaye
Sam shows up at a revival meeting, seeking help. “I need you to pray for my
hearing,” he tells the preacher.
The preacher puts his fingers on Sam’s ears and prays and prays. When he’s done, he asks, “How’s your hearing now?”
“I don’t know,” says Sam. “I don’t go to court till next Tuesday.”
- James Hoskin
Light travels faster than sound—is that why some people
appear bright until you hear
them speak?
- Steven Wright
WHY THE FACE?
Think you’re being watched? These images from Flickr prove you are!
